I Want To Be Moved
by scullyseviltwin
Summary: Trinity may be a soldier, but she's also a woman.
1. I Want To Be Moved

Title: I Want To Be Moved

Author: ScullyAsTrinity

Rating: R, implied sexual situations... implied Lisa? Or implode?

Category: Romance, angst

Characters: Neo, Trinity

Spoilers: Just pre-Matrix, before they get Neo on the ship.

Summary: Trinity speculates. It's kinda broken up, but it's supposed to be. You know when you think about something and jump to something else? That's how fast she's thinking.

Thanks: To... no one really. No, you know what? Thanks to my lovely hat! Oh and I must thank Bravo for the West Wing Marathon, also choice. Heh.

---

I'm not allowed to feel passion. But I want to. I want to feel what everyone else does, and so much more. I don't want to feel passion like it's common knowledge, I want to feel it like no one's ever felt it before, I want to feel it like I've never felt it.

I'm not really supposed to have emotions, not supposed to feel like a human should feel, though I'm more human than most of the people aboard this ship. They know and I know that this place is without emotion or feeling. It's without color, no matter how much we deny that fact.

It's possible for a spirit to diminish even when it's fighting for the fate of the world. It's possible to be lonely even when you're surrounded by people. It's possible to want when wanting just isn't possible.

My reason for being here is because you will inevitably be here. My purpose is for you, not for myself. That is what they want me to think. I know that this is what Morpheus wants me to think. I'm not here for myself, nor will I ever be, but it's hard to extinguish the flame that is lit within me. This is the flame which helps me to detach myself from everyday life, to be emotionless, to ignore the little things, to allow me to kill without remorse. If we weren't in a war against the machines I would say that I am a machine, I am put here for a purpose. It's my fate. Then again, I don't want to believe in fate, it would mean that I'm not in control of my own life. And I want to be. I want you.

Regardless if I'm meant to love you or not, I want you. I want what everyone else has, I want love and security and passion and unbridled lust that brings me to my knees just by conjuring the feeling.

Now though, now I'm running away from it, even though I do crave it. Fear is instilled in me from the thought of wanting someone that much and then having that. The pure submission I'd be willing to give if I loved you that much. The Oracle never said how much I was supposed to love, just that I would. Would your breath be enough to sustain me through the night? Would your existence provide me with the reason to fight for this, our cause?

We together will have a holy cause, but you will be the savior. I'll be kicked to the backburner but will I be able to sustain myself on your cause? Am I to stand before the devil and present my cross? Too many questions, too much speculation. I'm so tired of this will that I'm supposed to have, this duty I'm supposed to be rather than being myself. I need to feel, I want to feel. I want that brief reprise when it doesn't matter than I'm not tall enough, not fast enough, not pretty enough. I want that moment when I can taste your skin and be whole, but want more. I need that moment when your lips are on mine and I drown and am reborn in your vision.

Then, then there is the complete and purely carnal sense. I need to see the colors when you're too much, in me. I need to feel the frenzied rush of your thrusts, your hair brushing over my brow as you stare down at me. I need to feel the love that you love for me when you push into me for the final time and love me for eternity. Will I ever feel that? Am I meant to feel that? The Oracle never said you were to love me back. I want to feel your skin slide against mine. I want to slide. I want to feel the sweat on your brow when you are moving over me, feel the tense pull of muscles in your back as you strive to complete. I want to feel the world tilt when you finish and scream your name and make you bleed and take your breath into me and live.

It would be wonderful if I cried as you do. In the night... It would be wonderful if I could brush my hands over your cheeks when you pretended that you didn't want to cry, didn't need to cry. I want to bring you to tears and build you back up again. Solitary in my own fear of you fearing you would be weak in front of me. I'd want that too, want you be weak, and I'd be weak. We'd be nothing together. At the same time, we'd be everything... we would be the world. Could you let go that easily? Could I? Could you possibly need and want and feel this as much as I do?

Wondering what your skin would feel like, I can't help it. How warm it would be, how liquid. When your tears would fall upon the crest of your cheekbones it would be refreshing and renewing. In the night, when we're upon each other it would feel like the rain that is cooling the heated pavement in the summer. It would taste like cultured black pearls, salt- water taffy and home. Your hands would feel like a softly treading dictator and a submissive child. And your eyes, your eyes would everything that is free and the Maple trees in autumn and the wild frenzy of the wind that blows over the northern mountains. There, there is where I'd find refuge. I will find refuge.

What of your mouth? What of your lips? Perhaps soft pillows or perhaps a firm line of addictive cocaine that I simply cannot get enough of. Perhaps they are my damnation and my salvation. Both at once?

Would you set me aflame? Can you?

I dare not speculate how good it would feel. How wonderful it would be in the night, when we would love each other that much with that much passion. I dare not speculate when we let the loving subside and we feel lust. Lust for one another and the world and how alive we would be. I can't comprehend how much you would burn through me, touching my soul, letting me know that it was all meant to be and you simply cannot get enough.

I can't keep on like this, to want and not have. I've turned to stone, completely disregarding my own feelings. The hot blush on my cheek when I watch you in the evening. It's all suppressed and I'm ready to let it loose. Bit by bit, I'm going to become. I'm going to become myself... finally.

I'm going to stand here and wait. I want to be moved. By you. I need to be.


	2. Being Moved

Title: Being Moved

Author: ScullyAsTrinity

Rating: R, implied sexual situations... implied Lisa? Or implode?

Category: Romance, angst

Characters: Neo, Trinity

Spoilers: Just for Matrix.

Summary: A short vignette, Trinity POV, set after I Want To Be Moved, to be followed up and completed.

Thanks: To Divamercury and Bisse for reviewing! You guys ROCK!

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Trepidation. It's not a dream anymore; you're here in front of me, in the flesh. You're as human as any human can be while within the Matrix. As you stand there, leaning, attempting to blend into the wall, I feel a hot flush brush upon my cheeks. You're so much more real here. I could reach out and touch you if I wished, but that is not my mission now. My mission is to bring you in.

Check yourself, check yourself Trinity. Take a deep breath of this simulated air. Clear your head of these thoughts and think business. Business.

As I inch toward you, the leather that clings to my body stretches and groans, protests against me moving towards you. In, out, in out. I can do this, I'm good at this, and this is what I'm here to do. Besides, Tank, Djoser and a slew of crew members are on board right now, gauging my every move. It wouldn't be wise to show any emotion right now.

I move in for the kill, so to speak... and you sense my presence. Turning to face me, a silent thrill runs through my body as you give me the once over. No pleasantries, down to business now. When you cannot hear what I'm saying I move in closer, far too close I realize after I begin to speak. Sirens are going off in my head, telling me to move back, saying that if I don't things could go very wrong. This is what I'm known for, keeping emotions and hindrances under wrap until my mission is completed.

I speak, words tumbling from my lips, taking on a brash, poetic quality. My voice falls a notch below normal and comes out much silkier than it should. It flows. But as my lips move, my ears and my eyes begin to pick up certain nuances. I can hear your labored breath panting harshly in my ear. The hot breath sliding from your lips washes over my shoulder and bathes it in a fine sheen. You is so close, I am so close. My eyes skim the side of your face. So pale, like marble, like purity. Then they plummet downwards and settled on your neck, they flit back up to your ear. My heart must have fluttered; my breathing must have become more labored because I can feel you looking down at me. I find myself pondering the taste of this skin that is not two inches in front of my face.

But I am done, and must move away. Your eyes, before I turn away, lingering touching mine and I feel so primal, so needy. And yet, I walk away. I've been moved.

Days and days and days of watching you sleep. Being in your cabin as you doze, watching your face relax up close and marveling at how you look like a child but dream like a man.

Days of brushing my fingers upon my lips and longing. Days of knowing that my skin is hotter than it should be, my eyes more dilated.

Hours upon hours of watching you train, your body moving in ways I've never seen. In ways none of us have ever seen. Honestly, it is spectacular; you have such a strange power over all of us. Some of us have become entranced. I have not, I am simply waiting to see just how much I have to undergo before the prophecy comes true.

Briefly, I begin to speculate how it will feel to be touched by you, simply touched. Your hand upon mine perhaps. Your palm against my back, warm and yielding. Will I be able to maintain my composure if you lay your hand upon me? Will I be forced to return the gesture or shall my mind conjure up a reason for me to turn and run?

For now, I am stone. I am stone until I am moved.


	3. Moving Through Osmosis

Title: Moving Through Osmosis

Author: ScullyAsTrinity

Category: Angst, Romance

Characters: Trinity, Neo

Rating: PG-13

Dedication: I'm dedicating this to Bisse for reminding me to write it. Thank you!

Summary: Concluding (?) chapter to I Want To Be Moved

---

For days I lived as if I held my breath deep within me. I could neither inhale nor exhale and every day it felt like dying and living at the same time. Amazing how one person, one being could make you feel so many things at once.

For the few days that I lived with you, for the moment that I sat next to you, trained with you. I made up every moment every night in my dreams. There, in my head, I could touch you. My hand could find its way through your hair, feel the scalding intensity of your skin. In my head it could find out just how rough the stumble growing on your cheeks.

When the dreams were over and I awoke, a small piece of me was missing. It had spun off at some point in the night and had left to be with you. When I was not with you, my imagination came up with ways to stay connected to you. Being in your cabin allowed me some measure of peace and security. My fingers would trail over the hem of the rough blanket that comes standard issue to all of us. I would wonder how it felt on your skin. I wondered if you would touch it and long for something softer to blanket yourself with, something more real.

Leaving your cabin was like leaving my dreams. I continued to long and want when you were not in my presence and I simply could not explain it. Though when I was with you, when you were near, it felt as if the molecules within me pulled to be with you. On you. As if it was one giant puzzle that could only be completed if we were together.

Honestly, if I look back on the days that we spent in the Matrix, the days that we lost Switch and Apoc and Djoser, I can't remember feeling out of place. I do remember falling completely in sync with you. I recall a feeling of symbiosis that overcame the sadness. It wasn't as if the rest of them had gone from my mind. They were within me then, just as you were. All of you pushing me to do what I knew I could do. I thank you all every day.

Upon recalling you on that rooftop, a particular thrill runs through me. Could you sense my despair as I went down in that hunk of metal? Did you know what you had to do because you're the one, or did you try to save me, thinking it in vain because you felt the same thing for me as I did for you? Perhaps, now, I can see it is a wonderful combination of both.

I don't quite recall every synapse that fired off in my body as I told you the depth of my feelings, the truth that I had tried desperately to hide. I can't possibly put into words the fear that I felt when we all believed you to be dead. I can't express the fear that I felt thinking and knowing that you had indeed heard my words. That my words carried you on. You were stronger because of me, you were fighting so that you could see me again, so you could find out just what was going on in my head. I was so frightened, so unbelievable elated. Doubts still played in my head, not about you, but about myself. Although I wanted this more than anything, more than the survival of Zion (as impossibly selfish and horrible it seems, that is how I felt, for I didn't think I could continue if you were to reject me), I wasn't totally sure that I could give myself over to you as I wished to.

All of these things were swirling within me as I watched you be reborn and overcome the agents. The weight of the situation and the onslaught of the sentinels dawned on me, and my brain sped up just a tad. I don't think I could have been more selfish in those five minutes if I tried, thinking about myself instead of your own welfare. I think you sensed, my dilemma, and my love for you then. Your demeanor changed and the features of your face softened, just a bit.

Amidst all of the chaos, the firing of the EMP and the clash of metal, I didn't let you go. I couldn't. Though I stared straight into the face of death, I couldn't leave your side. My face in your neck, I held on and resigned my fate to Tank and Morpheus. Slowly, oh so slowly, I lifted my head off of your neck, hoping above anything I had ever hoped for that you were still breathing.

And then I was met with the glory of your eyes. They were so sad, so sad and so enlightened at the same time. It was as if they were only for me. Tenderly, I brought my hand up and stroked the side of your face, finally knowing what the slight stubble felt like. I know there was fear in my eyes, trepidation. Your hand rested on the back of my neck none the less, and you brought my head down and kissed me so tenderly I was unsure if this was the same person I just saw fight for the fate of the world. It couldn't be. But that thought faded away when your tongue snaked out and tangled with mine.

Letting out a sigh, everything was right with the world, if only for that brief moment in time.

It's all wonderful now. It's all perfect, as imperfect as it is. No matter where I go I can feel you holding me, and I am moved.

-La Fin-


	4. Freezing

Title: Freezing

Author: ScullyAsTrinity

Rating: R

Category: Angst/Romance

Characters: Neo, Trinity

Thanks: DAMN BISSE! Don't let me have a VACATION or anything. This one's for you. Yes, I'll continue it.

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I've been with you for some time now and... it's just not how I expected it to be. I felt the world move when I first touched you, when I first spoke to you. I expected it all, well, I expected all of it to be nothing but daises.

As we are fighting for the fate of the free world, I didn't expect much to happen between us, but what did... I expected all of it to be perfect. Perhaps because I'd never really experienced love, never really had anyone who loved me, I expected everything. Though I didn't really know what to expect, I have to admit, I didn't expect this.

I knew the passion wouldn't last forever. I knew the stolen moments in corridors would get tired and the both of us would long for more. I don't think either of us really anticipated waiting and wanting for so long. I don't think either of us knew the strain that we would be put under would be this intense.

I perceived this longing to be far less than what I experience before. I'm very shocked to see that I was wrong.

And now, now that you and I have our emotions out in the open, now that everyone knows... it's just not as simple anymore. I was an expert at masking my true feelings. I was the epitome of ice. Now, when Morpheus looks at me, the hue of his eyes is different, he can't meet my eyes like he used to. They all treat me different, now that they know I'm betrothed to the one. The daisies that I wanted only wither now. They die from lack of attention that they should receive.

It's only my fault that I'm being short with you, but it seems that you can't seem to look at me without blaming me for us not being as we should. I think I see it in your eyes. Do I see it in your eyes? Jesus, I just don't know anymore. I'm almost embarrassed to be around you now. To have you know how I feel and to have you know what I want and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

Nights, we can't be together. Days, we're torn apart by our duties that we must fulfill. I was naive to believe that after you proved yourself... I was silly. Can nothing be easy? Can nothing be easy for me, for us? If we were meant together then why aren't we together?

Why can't I feel you anymore Neo? Why have you become so distant to me as well as everyone on the ship? I feel you slipping inside yourself Neo, I hear you questioning the choices that you've made.

I feel like I'm alone here Neo. The fire inside me has slowly died and only the embers remain. I'm frightened that they will be extinguished as well and neither of us will be able to feel anymore. I'm alone here, I'm cold. I'm freezing and I'm not sure if I can be thawed. I'm not sure if they two of us, as strong as we are, can last this war. I want to believe that we can.

When we get back, things will be different. The touch of your hand will feel like it used to. The passion that died along with my daisies will be rekindled and perhaps I'll finally know what it feels like to be completely encompassed by you.

Neo, I need you with me. Soon.

-Fin-


	5. Stopping

Title: Stopping  
  
Author: ScullyAsTrinity  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance/Angst  
  
Dedication: So I was listening to 'I Want To Be Moved' and thought... HEY! Time for another chapter, why not? This is for Bisse, who pushed me to write more before. ;-)  
  
---  
  
Time ceases to exist there, there in the second.  
  
Time is only his skin, the flush of it as he rolls over in the bunk and mumbles my name, deep in sleep. It is beautiful and painful at the same time, the one word bringing back so many memories, both good and bad.  
  
My hands long to reach over and trace over your skin, soothe you back into a comfortable slumber but I cannot. We all have our demons Neo, you just have more than I. Every night it's the same Neo, you calling out for me, needing me there with you inside your head.  
  
As much as I love you, it's the one place I can't go. And as strong as I am, I refuse to fight your demons for you. They are yours and as horrible as I'm sure they are, the only way to make them disappear, the only way... you have to fight them on your own.  
  
But as I think this I know that either way, I'll be standing right there beside you. Mind, body, spirit. All of it, because you have all of me and I all of you.  
  
Again you toss, the skin of your chest pressed firmly against the arm. I cannot hold back any longer and bring my palm up to your heart, feel the strong pulse there. And it is strong, so strong. Full to the brim with love for life, lust for life.  
  
And knowing that time will be through before we're through with it, that the present will be done before we're both done living it, I allow myself to fall into your searching embrace. Here, in the warmth, it's easier to feel.  
  
I can feel the pain, the pain and the pleasure and the horror as it all mixes into a wash of light that takes over my body.  
  
And I weep...  
  
For time just stopped. 


End file.
